Manipulative In-Laws and Custody Cases: What You Need to Know Before It Is Too Late
Outline
The Warning Signs Worth Paying Attention To
What a Setup Can Look Like
Why It Is Often Not Your Co-Parent You Need to Worry About
Verbal Promises and Why They Disappear
How to Look at Past History
Moving Forward: Be careful.
Here is one more thing to consider when you realize that you and your co-parent are heading toward a separation and a divorce.
If your in-laws have a lot of money, if there is any part of them that tends to be controlling, that insists on having things exactly their way, and if there is any indication that they want to relive their own parenting experiences through your children, be aware: anything you do to offend them, upset them, or leave them out of the process could make you public enemy number one as far as they are concerned.
The Warning Signs Worth Paying Attention To
You and your co-parent might be having your issues but feel like you can pretty much work things out and get along. That is lovely, and we hope it always goes that way.
But if you catch even a whiff of the possibility that the in-laws want to have time with your children, and they have the resources and the inclination to do whatever they have to in order to gain access and control, you need to think carefully about how you are moving through this process.
Warning signs include: in-laws who insert themselves into legal or financial decisions unprompted, verbal promises made with unusual generosity or urgency, and any sense that the warmth you are being shown does not quite match the history of the relationship.
What a Setup Can Look Like
Any mistakes you make with them, anything you put into writing that upsets them, or any promises they might make to you, especially if those promises are verbal and not in writing, could all be a setup. A setup to make you look like a terrible parent, to make it look like you are abusive, a committer of domestic violence is the classic approach.
I want to be clear: I am not saying that every in-law is going to behave this way. I am saying I have seen many, many scenarios where that has been the case. Even from self-called βGod-fearingβ people, or people who for whatever reason you might believe are incapable of these types of behaviors. Consider that they might be capable of dishonesty and deception when they believe their relationships with their grandchildren are at risk.
Why It Is Often Not Your Co-Parent You Need to Worry About
It is often not your co-parent who is the biggest worry for you. It is often the in-laws, because often they are the ones with the money who are pulling the strings.
I know many cases where people even considered moving into the in-laws’ home for a while, with good intentions, and within hours of the plane landing or within hours of arrival, they realized very quickly that the intention of the in-laws was to completely erase them as a parent and replace them at the earliest opportunity.
Verbal Promises and Why They Disappear
One of the most consistent patterns I see: in-laws make verbal commitments during the early stages of a separation that are later denied completely. Promises about financial support, housing arrangements, childcare, access to the children. In the moment, these feel meaningful. When they are later denied, the parent who made decisions based on those commitments has nothing documented and no recourse. Nothing from in-laws is an agreement until it is in writing.
How to Look at Past History
Consider looking at the in-laws’ past history, maybe with their own children, maybe with other relationships they were in, even if it was 20 years ago or 30 years ago. What happened then? What were the patterns? How did each of the people in those scenarios behave? That history is often a clue to what might be going on right now.
Moving Forward: Be careful.
Move strategically. DoΒ not automatically assume that everyone who says nice things to you is really going to be on your side.Β That is just something to think about as you navigate this process
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