Why ‘In the Best Interests of the Children’ Fails in Court
Outline
What Platitudes Are and Why We Reach for Them
Why ‘Best Interests of the Children’ Has Become Functionally Irrelevant
The Fortune Cookie Test
What Overused Language Actually Signals
What Specific Language Looks Like
If AI Is Your Only Option
I want to take a few moments to talk about platitudes. Key phrases that sound well-intentioned, potentially meaningful, and that might give a person some kind of moral high ground when making a statement.
As a custody evaluator, mediator, therapist, and consultant, probably the most frequent platitude I hear is: “in the best interests of the children.” And I can tell you as someone who has done this work for many years that you couldn’t believe the number of times somebody has completed a sentence with that phrase after saying something that was completely ridiculous. As in: how could that possibly be in the best interests of the children?
What Platitudes Are and Why We Reach for Them
A platitude is a phrase that sounds well-intentioned and potentially meaningful, and that gives a person a sense of moral high ground when making their point. Most parents who say “in the best interests of the children” genuinely mean it. The problem is not the intent. The problem is that the phrase has been used so many times, in so many contexts, that it no longer carries any information for the professionals hearing it.
Why ‘Best Interests of the Children’ Has Become Functionally Irrelevant
Mental health professionals, legal professionals, and judges have heard that phrase so often, in so many contexts, that it has become functionally irrelevant.
I have sat in evaluations and mediations where both parties used the phrase to support positions that were directly contradictory. The phrase was doing no work for either of them.
It has also been used immediately after statements that were demonstrably not in any child’s interests. At that point, the phrase does not recover the statement. It compounds the credibility problem.
The Fortune Cookie Test
I sometimes joke about this to make the point. You know how they say you can open a fortune cookie and no matter what you read, you can end it with the phrase “in bed” and get a laugh? Well, “in the best interests of the children” has become about as meaningful to many of us in the field as adding “in bed” after a fortune cookie. Why? Because it just doesn’t add anything.
What Overused Language Actually Signals
When I hear a parent rely heavily on this phrase, I am observing one of a few things: they may not have specific examples to support their position, they may be presenting a prepared version of themselves rather than an authentic one, or they may genuinely believe the phrase is the point rather than the evidence behind it.
In saying something that has simply been pre-canned, you might, in effect, be losing some credibility. Not gaining it.
What Specific Language Looks Like
The parents who communicate most effectively in evaluations speak in specifics. Here is the difference:
Platitude: “I always support my children’s relationship with their father.”
Specific: “Last month my son asked to see his dad on my weekend. I drove him there and picked him up the next morning. I have done that four times this year when the kids have asked.”
The second version cannot be dismissed as a phrase. It either happened or it did not. It demonstrates the thing instead of asserting it.
It is okay to say “in the best interests of the children” once in a while. What you need to remove is the reliance on it as a substitute for specific reasoning.
A Final Thought
One final consideration: when you are preparing for any discussion regarding your children, pay careful attention to the language you use. If it is something that has been overused, it has become meaningless. And in saying it, you are not gaining any points. You might be losing some.
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