DVRO Hearing Prep: 3 Keys to Demonstrating Genuine Change
Outline
What I Was Asked
Point One: Specifically Identify Your Mistakes
Point Two: Express Intense Remorse
Point Three: Show What You Have Done Sinceand Why They Disappear
The Fourth Point: Always Consult Your Attorney
The Difference Between Compliance and Change
I want to be quick about this because the three points here are actually quite simple, and sometimes the simplest things are the most important to hear clearly.
I’ve had many clients preparing to go to a hearing to address whether a domestic violence restraining order should be extended indefinitely. I am not a lawyer, so I will leave the terminology to the attorneys. Often these clients have been in therapy since the original DVRO was granted.
What I Was Asked
They typically ask what I think a mental health professional and or the courts need to hear in this kind of situation. My answers are really simple. The client should focus on three things.
Point One: Specifically Identify Your Mistakes
The first thing is to state clearly and unequivocally that you recognize the mistakes you made, and specifically identify what those actions were that led to the granting of the restraining order.
Not general acknowledgment. Not vague language about things not going well. Specific identification of what happened, named directly, without minimizing it or framing it with excessive context. Courts hear general acknowledgment constantly. What registers as genuine accountability is when someone can say specifically what they did.
Point Two: Express Intense Remorse
The second point is to clearly state the intense remorse you feel for having made those mistakes, and to recognize how those mistakes were perceived by others and have affected not only your relationship with your co-parent but also your relationship with your children, who ultimately are the ones who suffer from all of this.
The word intense matters here. Not regret for the consequences to yourself. Remorse for the impact on your children and co-parent. Those are different things and professionals can hear the difference.
Point Three: Show What You Have Done Since That Is Different
The third point is to talk about all the things you have done since the domestic violence restraining order was granted against you. All the things you have done to learn, study, improve on your behaviors, all the things that demonstrate there have been no more problems since the original mistakes were made, and that you have been able to behave in a way that would be much more acceptable to the courts.
This is the documented record. Therapy attendance and what was learned there. Program completion and what changed as a result. The behavioral pattern over time that shows the work was real, not just performed for the hearing.
The Fourth Point: Always Consult Your Attorney
As always, I would suggest to each and every one of you: no matter what kind of advice you get from me or anyone else regarding these situations, always run what you plan to say past your attorney. There is nothing better than legal advice, especially when it is coming from the attorney who is going to represent you regarding these issues in court.
The Difference Between Compliance and Change
A span of time following the rules is necessary. It is not sufficient. Courts and mental health professionals are assessing whether genuine insight is present whether the person in front of them understands not just what they did but why, and whether the internal work has been done that makes a return to those behaviors genuinely unlikely rather than just circumstantially absent.
A client who can speak to what they now understand that they did not understand before, about their own patterns and their impact on their children, presents very differently from one who can only report compliance. The court notices that difference.
Putting It All Together
Three things. Recognize specifically what you did. Express genuine intense remorse for its impact on your children and co-parent. Show everything you have done to change since.
And always run it past your attorney first.
I hope that helps.
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